Dealing with Death

In today's society, we tend to ignore death. We avoid discussing it, thinking about it, and planning for it. While we all know that death is inevitable, we are unwilling to think it will ever happen to us.

"Death can be terrifying." Dr. Todd Kashdan opened his article, "Confronting Death with an Open, Mindful Attitude", with those four painfully-honest words. He goes on to explain why death is such a scary thing for most of us. "Recognizing that death is inescapable and unpredictable makes us incredibly vulnerable. This disrupts our instinct to remain a living, breathing organism."

Our fear of dying has kept us alive (as individuals and communities) for centuries. It's natural. Yet, the fear of dying does not serve our personal need for safety and if we are to live our lives, we need to release the fear altogether. Dr. Kashdan argues that a mindful approach to living may be what's needed.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness has been defined as, "The state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience."

Awakening to the inevitability of your own death is liberating. You are no longer forced to manage the fear; you are able to include death into your life experience.

Preparing for Your Death

Death is a natural part of life. When you live with intention, which involves looking toward death and preparing for it, you crush its power to keep you from living fully. The following task list will, when done mindfully, help you to not only confront your own death but to take control of it. While you'll never actually know how your life will end until the time of your death, your preparations will help you become comfortable with it.
  • Write a will, notarize it, and provide a copy to your executor as well as any other individuals who are important in the settlement of your estate.
  • Designate a Power of Attorney and Living Will, two essential documents if you are ever unable to care for your financial, medical, or legal needs due to an accident or illness.
  • Make a detailed plan of your funeral or memorial service, which will help your survivors acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments.
  • Organize all financial papers including insurance policies, bills, mortgage papers, vehicle titles, and loan documents. It may be useful to consider adding a trusted family member to your bank accounts.
  • Secure your digital life for your survivors. Make sure to list all account passwords and usernames and let your survivors know how you would like your digital real estate (email and social media accounts) handled after your death.

If you don't work to really get in touch with the reality of your death, you will never be fully satisfied with your life. When endlessly trying to become victorious over death, you stop living fully.

Dealing with the Emotional Impact of Moving Home Following a Loss
Everyone reacts to the death of a partner differently. Some people will find comfort from grieving in their own home. while others will move in with family, unable to return to a house that is no longer a home.

As you work through the grieving process there may come a time when you decide to start afresh in a new home. Some people may make this decision quickly in the weeks following the loss, others may take longer, waiting until their grief feels less raw.
Is Moving Home Right For You?

Don’t rush into any dramatic lifestyle changes; following a loss, experts advise that you should wait for at least six months before you make any life decisions. Take the time to weigh the pros and cons. Talk to people that you trust and respect. While their advice may be conflicting, remember that they only have your best interests at heart.  

Work out what is best for you. Take into account your physical ability, both now and in the future. If maintaining a large home and garden is too physically demanding for you, then downsizing may be the right option. Remember that a larger house, even if you’re the sole inhabitant, can be more expensive to run than a smaller, modern property. If you’re buying a new home, you’ll also need to take into account local real estate prices and consider your loan options. A conventional mortgage can be a good choice if you’re not ready to sell your old home yet because these loans can be used to finance a second home, and with a 20 percent down payment, you won’t have to pay mortgage insurance. 

Moving on is not an act of betrayal, nor does it mean forgetting your loved one. Your memories will be with you, wherever you are.  
Leaving Home Can Feel Like Another Loss

For many people, leaving a home that is filled with happy memories can be like suffering another loss. Over time your home becomes a part of you. Every room is packed with memories of loved ones and happy times. One of the most difficult parts of downsizing is deciding what to keep and what to discard. This is especially true if you’re sorting out a loved one’s belongings. Not being able to face this straight away is perfectly normal; you should never rush your grief. However, the longer you leave it, the more daunting the task can become.
Sorting Out Your Loved One’s Possessions 

Before you begin, ask friends and family if there is anything that they want. Items that are of little interest to you may mean a great deal to your daughter or nephew. Make a plan, as prioritizing certain rooms can help you to focus. Also, make sure that you have storage boxes, stickers or labels, and anything else you may need ready to go before you begin.

Be ruthless. Think about how each item will fit into your new home. Often the hardest thing to dispose of are the insignificant “everyday reminders” such as shopping lists your loved one wrote or their half-empty shampoo bottles. If you find it too hard to get rid of such items ask a friend or family member to help.

Having someone with you can also help you cope with the emotions that come with decluttering. As you sort through your loved one's possessions memories will unexpectedly hit you. Be prepared to laugh as well as cry. Embracing these emotions will help you with the grieving process.

Downsizing is also an opportunity to sort out your own belongings. As well as decluttering set aside items to pass to give to friends and family, either now or when you pass. You may even choose to take it one step further and look into burial insurance, which can protect your loved one’s finances by covering the cost of funerals and addressing any debt or bills that you may leave behind, or even start making arrangements for your own funeral. You know from personal experience how stressful and traumatic a time losing someone can be. By planning ahead, you can remove some of the stress, allowing your loved ones to focus on their grief. 

Remember that saying goodbye to a home is not saying goodbye to memories. Don’t be afraid to keep certain items such as plants from the garden or take photographs. Saying a proper goodbye to the past will help you to embrace the next chapter of your life.
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Sources:
  1. "What is Mindfulness?", Psychology Today, 2014
  2. Kashdan, Todd, Ph.D., "Confronting Death with an Open, Mindful Attitude", Psychology Today, 2011
  3. Klosowski, Thorin , "One Day You're Going to Die. Here's How to Prepare for It", 2013
  4. Lucille Rosetti, The Bereaved.org

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